The Referree's Alphabet

Lyrics for The Referree's Alphabet

The A is for my Authority, which many players seem to question Thinking they're somehow going to make me change my mind The B is for Babies, which a lot of managers Cry like after a decision has not gone their way The C is for the Continual Criticism I receive from The touchline - "Get back in your technical area" The D is for the Dunderheads, who seem to think we Have a conspiracy against their particular team The E is for the Eerie Silence which echoes around The ground when I've booked a home team's player And it's obvious to everyone that he deserved it The F is the Farce into which most Games would descend if we weren't there The G is for the Gnarled Face of someone who's on £90 000 A week and reckoned he should have had a throw-in The H is for Handball, which has to be intentional and Very rarely is. If only people would study the rules more The I is for Innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender After they've just scythed down that tricky winger The J is for Jujitsu, which I quite intend to display, given A dark alley and some of the narky blurts I've encountered The K is for the Kissing of the Patch - how ridiculous That looks six months later when they're at another club The L is for Lip Reading, of which you don't have To be an expert to see how odious some people are The M is for the Mistakes we sometimes make - surely A bit of controversy is part of the game's appeal? The N - the N is for the Numbskull who, during the Boxing Day game, asks me what else I got for Christmas Besides my whistle. An afternoon with your wife, mate! The O is for Offside, which many forwards Tell me they simply could not have been The P is for the Penalty Shoot-out - great drama and no pressure on me The Q is the Quiet Word which I sometimes need to have with some Of the more fiery participants. I usually choose the word "plete" The R is for Running Backwards, a difficult Skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate The S is for the Suggestion that I should have shown a card of some Sort to a player who's just been awarded a free kick... sorry, I got All that wrong, the S again, OK, the S... the S is the Suggestion That I should show a card to an opponent by a player who's been Awarded a free kick. He himself is More in danger of getting one for that The T is for the Twenty-one Man Brawl, which is Basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving The U is for the Umpire, which I sometimes wish I'd been instead You never hear a cricket crowd chanting " Who's the bastard in the hat?" The V is for Vitriol, Vilification Vendetta and Volley of Verbal Abuse Some good bird noises there, boy The W is for Walter Pidgeon, who's Mr Griffiths in How Green Was My Valley. I may have started to sound like during This song: "Where was the light I thought to see in your Eye?" He says that to a young Hugh played by Roddy McDowall The X - the X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead By a swarthy Portuguese centre-half whom I'd just dismissed The Y is for Yate, the kind of town that referees come from And the Z - well, the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola Zubizarreta, Zoff, even Zondervan, but is in fact for the Zest with which we approach our work. Without this zest for The game we wouldn't become refs and without refs, well... zero See also: Zatepec, Zeus and Ziehl-Monocorum Have a caravan there. Static, naturally